Full of It

11 Jan

So I want to apologize, I am not writing about what I actually practice.  I have every good intention of leading this simple natural life, having my ducks in order, and all that jazz.  I don’t.  God has granted me this wonderful knowledge and understanding about life, but I have to be honest, I have squandered it.  I don’t practice what I preach.  I want to though, with all my heart, not sure why I prevent myself from doing so.  Maybe I am more afraid than I realized, afraid of success because then I have something to uphold rather than just work for, which is way less pressure.  Maybe I am afraid to be happy on my own without help from anyone.  Or I hold myself back for others to catch up.  I might be afraid of being a person others look up to because I don’t feel confident in myself.  I thought I was done with fear but now I know that fear has a deeper hold on me then I ever realized.  Maybe I am just so used to making others happy that I have no clue how to do it for myself.

There are some days when I truly do love my life, I see God’s beauty everywhere and it fills my heart with such happiness it hurts.  Then there are the days where nothing is beautiful and I feel all alone and not sure where I took a wrong turn to land me here.

Those are the days when I need to reach past the darkness and grab a hold of something good, something strong, but I don’t.  I let myself be filled with sadness and do nothing productive.  Which is not good.  I have to start taking my advice.  I need to start doing something for myself and let go of this fear that wraps itself around my heart.  It was foolish of me to think fear was something easy to be rid of, that I could analyze myself in the span of a couple of days and voilà, its gone.  I underestimated my enemy and it took the advantage.

Now reader don’t worry, I am not a crazy depressed loon, I just had a rude awakening to my mistakes and now I have a heck of a lot of catch up to play.  Not to mention my yoga teacher training practicum midterms are this week so there is no time to waste.  It’s a now or never kind of thing.  I am going to ace this midterm because I want this, and it is at the same time, something I fear.  I am gonna kick it in the ASS.

So please be patient with me, don’t give up on my humble blog, because I was full of you-know-what when I wrote my last couple entries.  Good advice is worth nothing if you don’t follow it yourself.  From now on I am gonna back up what I say, I am gonna walk the walk.

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One Response to “Full of It”

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  1. Don’t take me for granted. « Live Like It's Heaven On Earth - January 15, 2012

    […] Full of It (thehippiehousewife.wordpress.com) […]

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